


Solaire

by petitnuage



Series: Solaire [1]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Mutual Pining, Near Death Experiences, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition Quest - In Your Heart Shall Burn, Skyhold (Dragon Age)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-09-28 13:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20426705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petitnuage/pseuds/petitnuage
Summary: Nemaya is like the sun. She is made of gold and warmth. But right now, Nemaya is laying in the snow, and the cold bites, burns her skin. The Anchor burns too, in a different way. If it didnt flicker so painfully, she would think the green of the mark is a pretty color. But she doesnt think that. She thinks, she knows that she is dying because she cant move her body no matter how hard she tries to get up. She struggles to keep her eyes open, because exhaustion hits her. She's so tired. She cant feel the cold anymore, she cant feel anything at all. She forgets about Haven, about Corypheus.





	1. Chapter 1

Nemaya is like the sun. She is made of gold and warmth. But right now, Nemaya is laying in the snow, and the cold bites, burns her skin. The Anchor burns too, in a different way. If it didn't flicker so painfully, she would think the green of the mark is a pretty color. But she doesn't think that. She thinks, she knows that she is dying because she can't move her body no matter how hard she tries to get up. She struggles to keep her eyes open, because exhaustion hits her. She's so tired. She can't feel the cold anymore, she can't feel anything at all. She forgets about Haven, about Corypheus. The thought of her imminent death escapes her. Finally, she convinces herself to rest her eyes, because it's useless to fight a battle she won't win. Just five minutes, she thinks, just five minutes and then i'll get up and I'll find them, him, again. 

When she regains consciousness, she can barely open her eyes because the white pain of a headache blinds her. Her body feels sore and she knows better than to move her left arm. The burning pain is less present but it still lingers. Then she realizes her body is covered in warmth and softness. She can hear voices but they seem so far away. She isn't worried but she doesn't know why.  
She feels like she should be dead, and that death should be cold and sensationless. But she feels too much at once. Safe, in pain, protected, hungry, warm. She doesn't know where she is, and she can't call for help because she realizes her throat and her lips are dry. Only hoarse sounds come from her mouth. So she stays silent and she falls back asleep.

The next time she wakes up, it's to the sound of her advisors arguing. They found her, she realizes. She is very much alive. She survived the blizzard and she knows it is because of the mark. She decides to tentatively open her eyes. She wants to know if it's real or if it's a really mediocre joke from the Fade. The headache makes its presence known quickly but it doesn't hurt her as much as it did before. She doesn't try to move her body but her eyes are enough to guess where she is. She is in a tent, it seems. Big enough to have a bed, a table and a chair. On the table, there are plants and potions. She can smell the familiar scent of elfroot and it's almost comforting. The chair is very close to her bed and it's turned to face the bed. Someone has been watching over her while she slept and she hopes she didn't say anything embarrassing in her slumber.  
The dispute that woke her up abruptly stops and someone enters the tent. The Commander. Cullen. He looks annoyed and exhausted. She wants to kiss the frown away from his face. A foolish thought. But he doesn't realize she's awake until hes sitting on the chair and their eyes meet. He is surprised, that much is obvious, as it is written all over his face. But he also looks so relieved, and it somehow makes him look younger. The wild curls on top of his head and the absence of his breastplate and the fur he usually wears on his shoulders surely help a great deal too.

" Nem- Herald, " he stops himself, her name burning the tip of his tongue. And it stings. She wishes he'd say her name. Her actual name. Not a stupid meaningless title. She wonders what it would sound like, if he actually said it, if he didn't stop himself from pronouncing it with false politeness. " Herald, you are awake. "  
" Indeed, I am. " Her voice sounds rough and saying words is a struggle on itself. At least the Commander is kind enough to help her sit up on the bed so she can drink some water. That's when she realizes why he doesn't wear his fur. It's because she has been the one using it, not consciously of course, as an extra blanket. 

“ Aren’t you cold ? “ He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t even move. He just looks at her, dumbfounded. At last, he rubs his neck, like he does when he’s nervous.  
“ I just- I thought you might need it more than me. “ He offers her a shy smile. His hand is still in the back on his neck, playing nervously with his blond curls.  
“ Please, take it back. It wouldn’t be good if you caught a cold. What kind of man leads his troops with a sore throat ? ” And he laughs. It’s a lovely sound, one that warms up her heart, one that makes her smile. He picks up his mantle without a word and Nemaya can’t help but stare. He’s big, she realizes. He’s taller than most of the humans she met, his shoulders are broad and his hands are wide and calloused, and she wonders what it would felt like to hold his hand. But she'd rather not think about it, now. The commander has his coat back on and it feels right. He looks like everything he represents. Strength, determination, focus.

“ I shall leave you to rest, now. “ This time, he doesn’t say her name, he doesn’t call her by her title. But it’s better that way, it doesn’t hurt. She simply nods and she falls asleep before he leaves the tent. 

The next time she wakes up, her advisors are arguing. Again. But this time, Mother Giselle is at her side. Nemaya sits up and rubs her eyes.

“ You need to rest. “  
“ But they’ve been at it for hours. Screaming at each other doesn’t help… and it certainly doesn’t help my headache. “  
“ But they have that luxury, thanks to you. “ 

Nemaya doesn’t say anything. She just glares at the green, blinding mark on her hand and she remembers. She remembers the fear she felt, the red of the templars and the white of the snow. She remembers feeling worthless when Corypheus picked her up and threw her against a barricade, as if she weighed nothing. She remembers how easily she could have died that day, how fragile she is. She can’t take her eyes off the Anchor. It feels like it’s mocking her. It hurts and it burns her very core. It’s killing her but it’s keeping her alive too. 

She decides to get up. It’s hard at first. Her legs are wobbly and she fears she might fall. But she finally makes it out of the tent, with little steps. The cold air caresses her skin. She welcomes it and she takes a minute to breath it in. It feels good, and it makes her feel alive. But she doesn’t have the time to appreciate that feeling, because everyone looks devastated and helpless. And she feels out of place. She should say something, but she doesn’t know what. But before she can think, she feels Mother Giselle’s hand on her shoulder.

And she sings. 

The others join her. They march towards them and they kneel in front of Nemaya. She feels overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. She feels her own heart’s pulses in her ears, her mouth and her throat feel dry. She can’t make out the words they’re singing, but it doesn’t matter because they look at her, eyes shining with hope and suddenly, for the very first time, it feels right. Their voices resonate in the mountains and their hearts beat as one. The dawn will come. 

Nemaya feels like passing out again, after that. But Solas asks to talk to her, so she follows him, wary.  
Solas makes her uneasy.  
He knows things that she doesn’t, it feels like he’s too smart, like he knows too much for his own good, for anyone's good. He’s a powerful mage and she is glad he’s not working against her. Against the Inquisition. But if he wanted, he could destroy it from the inside. It’s best not to think about that right now.  
He has a solution (again, she thinks) : an old unused fortress that they could use as a shelter. 

“ It is almost as if you were the one sent by Andraste. “  
“ But I am not the one with the mark, da’len. “

Her hand flickers and she clenches her fist. This is not a blessing, this is a painful curse. And she can't help but hope that someday the people will notice that shes nothing but a charlatan. There is nothing holy about her, and everytime they worship her, she feels her own identity disappear a little.  
But at least, they have a place where they can go.

The journey is rough and tiring, for everyone. Nemaya uses her broken staff to help her walk. It’s the only thing that she owned that wasn’t destroyed by the Conclave. But now, it’s broken, and even if she still can use it, it’s not the same as before. She feels like she’s not worthy of her clan anymore.  
During their journey, she thinks about her life before. She thinks about the aravels, the hallas, the forests and the plains. She thinks about her clan, her family, her keeper. But it’s when she thinks about Athexth that it's the most painful.  
She can't give up now. Because Skyhold is right there, in front of their eyes. It looks majestic and old. She can feel the magic escaping from the place and its making her blood sing. They only need to walk a bit more and they will be safe.

When they arrive at Skyhold, the advisors organize a ceremony. Nemaya becomes the official leader of the inquisition. As if she didn't already have so much to do, she thinks bitterly. But she accepts it nonetheless, branding the heavy sword toward the sky while the people chants her new title. She feels less and less like herself.  
Once it's over, she finds a room where no one will find her and she cries and cries and cries. It feels good for a moment, but the tears dry quickly and she has to keep her head up. The people can't see her like this.  
Because after all, she is their Leader, their Herald, their Inquisitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !! Im very proud and excited to finally publish this first chapter of my work about my Inquisitor !  
Please, leave a comment to tell me what you thought about it, if you think i should change things, if you think i should add tags.
> 
> (+) Athexth is one of my friends' oc ! He might appear at some point... :^) 
> 
> Follow me on twitter @driftawway


	2. The Inner Circle

The life in Skyhold is similar to the life among her clan. It’s full of life, of noises, of laughters, of things to do. Or at least, it’s what Nemaya tells herself to forget about the crushing weight of her responsibilities as the Inquisitor, about Corypheus. It’s all very new and very overwhelming and Nemaya misses the simplicity of her life before the Conclave. At least, she doesn’t have time to worry about how wrong it feels to be called Inquisitor. 

Every day presents a new challenge, and Nemaya is glad to have the advisors at her side. She’s even more glad when Varric tells her that he knows someone that might be helpful. He doesn't say who, he doesn't say when they'll arrive. You'll know when they're here, that's all he tells Nemaya. And while she likes to meet new allies, she doesn't like how very ominous it sounded. 

" If Varric sent words to them, Cassandra is going to kill him. " Cullen says, as if everyone knew who he was talking about. Leliana and Josephine laugh and it doesn’t help Nemaya’s growing anxiety. But she doesnt have time to worry because Skyhold is a huge place and she has yet to see the integrity of it. The advisors are too busy to accompany her to discover every corner of the fortress but Nemaya doesnt mind. Being alone helps her. She feels more like herself, because no one is there to call her My Lady, Your Worship, Your Grace, Herald, Inquisitor. 

She also takes the time to talk to her companions. Nemaya is both delighted and terrified by the diversity of the people taking shelter in Skyhold. She is a dalish elf, and she feels lonely. She terribly misses her clan and she knows talking to Sera and Solas is pointless, because they are nothing like her. And even if they were anything like her, they’d still make her feel uneasy. Sera’s crude jokes, the way she cackles, her motives or Solas’ arrogance, the way his lips quivers right before he says something degrading about her or her people, Nemaya hates it all but she knows better than to send them away, because they both are incredibly important and powerful allies and losing them would put the Inquisition at risk.   
Yet, when they arrived at Skyhold, Nemaya didn’t mind the conversations she had with both of them. Sera was scared, they all were, and for a minute, Nemaya almost thought she could understand the other elf. Solas was as mysterious as ever, and she quickly realized she wasn't fond of people manipulating her dreams to appear in them. She still didn't fully understand what he meant when he said you hold the key to our salvation, but she knows that he’s hiding something that no one but him is aware of. After their encounter in the Fade, Nemaya decides to stay away from him as far as possible. 

The other members of the Inner Circle are easier to understand, or at least that’s what Nemaya tells herself.   
Vivienne helps her by healing her and they don’t talk about the circles, they don’t talk about magic. They don’t talk about anything at all, actually but it’s better this way because they both appreciate the silence and filling it with arguments would be pointless. Vivienne’s presence is divine and calming and her magic is intriguing, it’s nothing like she was taught as a dalish mage. Nemaya trusts her with her life.

Blackwall is more intense and Nemaya can’t help but wonder if all humans are as intense as him or if it's just the warden. She doesn't expect him, or any other soldier for that matter, to sacrifice his life for her, but she knows he's ready to die for their cause, it hurts when he makes his death for her cause a promise and when she tells him that she was not sent by Andraste, he almost looks sad.

The Iron bull made her uneasy, at first. She was not familiar with the Qun or its people, but something about him was off. As if he didn’t truly believe in it, as if he was playing an act. The way he spoke, the way he held himself didn’t seem like something they would teach one under the Qun, but Nemaya knew better than to comment on it. Still, when he draped a scarf over her face and put a warm ( and huge, she noted ) hand in her back to make her go sit with two soldiers who were drinking, Nemaya decided he was an ally she was glad to have, and more than that, he was also a precious friend.

Cassandra is seething with anger. She lets it all out on a training dummy, with her sword and her shield and she roars with each hit. She is angrier than when they met, and Nemaya doesn't know what could make her angrier than murder and innocent people dying. Nemaya knows that she should leave before the warrior notices her but the sight is enticing. Even with rage, every movement is precise and calculated. She doesn't wear her armor and you could see her muscles flexing and drops of sweat pearling on her sun-kissed skin. Even if she tried, Nemaya couldn't take her eyes away from the warrior. Finally, she puts her weapons on the ground, wipes the sweat from her forehead with the back of her arm. She's still angry but when she sees Nemaya, she relaxes and a smile draws itself on her face.   
They talk for what seems like hours. They talk about so many things, Nemaya can't recall what they first started talking about but she remembers why Cassandra is so angry. She is angry at Varric but also at herself.

" I searched for the Hawke siblings for years. He told me he did not know where they were and i believed him. And now, they're on their way to Skyhold. What a fool. "

Nemaya doesn't say a word, doesn't even dare to breath. She heard about them, the Champions of Kirkwall. Everyone has heard about their tragic lives. Or read about it. It didn't feel real, at all. What next ? Was she going to meet the Hero of Ferelden too ? Thoughts are racing in her head, she clenches, unclenches her fist. The anchor is painful. 

" Aren't we all fools ? " She finally says. At least, it makes the Seeker laugh. 

The conversations she has with the spymaster and the ambassador are depressing but important, Nemaya reminds herself. They feel understandably guilty for the many deaths at Haven and Nemaya does her best to comfort them. The mark flickers at the memory of Corypheus grabbing her by the wrist, as if she weighed nothing and to a god-like being she probably does. She still has bruises on her wrist, on her back from when he threw her against the barricades. But no matter what, they cant afford to look deal, especially now. But she doesn't say it out loud.

Being the Inquisitor is exhausting. She wanders through Skyhold and people stares at her in awe. It makes her uncomfortable, makes her skin itch. She manages to block out the whispers, but she still can hear a voice booming through the fort's court. The commander doesn't let himself rest, despite everything. His voice is hypnotizing and her steps guide her to him. She wants to see him, she wants to thank him, even though she is unsure of what she should thank him for. Maybe she simply yearns to see him, because his voice is simply not enough and it makes Nemaya foolishly blush.   
When she reaches him, the tips of her ears are still painfully red, but she can blame it on the cold wind. Her heart feels too big for her ribcage when she finally sees him. He looks like a mess, and it is unfair how handsome he is still, with tired eyes and messy hair. He gives orders to a few scouts and when he's finally alone, she takes five big steps until she is at his level. He doesn't look at her, but he knows she's here. He straightens up his back and starts making his report to her. Templar training, she thinks. But she doesn't listen to a word he says. She is too focused on his lips, on the few scars on his face and on the freckles dusting his cheeks.   
When he is done talking, Nemaya is very good to pretend that she did listen to him. Or that's what she thinks at least, because if the smile on the face is any indication, he is aware she doesn't know what he said, but he is polite enough not to comment on it.  
She doesn't want to leave. She wants to talk with him, about interesting things. She wants to learn more about him, but she doesn't know what to say. He makes her nervous. 

" Inquisitor Lavellan… doesn't it sound weird ? " He chuckles and her heart beats faster.  
" Not at all. "  
" Is it the official response, Commander ? " He laughs, again. She clenches her fists behind her back, she has to stay calm.  
" Perhaps, but it doesnt mean its not the truth. You have proven you were worthy to be our leader, even if you don't have to carry the Inquisition alone, although it must feel like it. "  
" Thank you, Commander. " He softly smiles at her but shes a coward and she averts her gaze and takes a deep breath. " The escape from Haven.. it was so close. Im glad that you- " She closes her eyes, idiot, she thinks. " That we made it. "  
" As am i. " Silence falls between them. They don't even look at each other and when Nemaya finally gathers the courage to leave, he reaches for her wrist and almost grabs it. He stops himself, as if he knew about the bruises. He probably does.   
" You could have- " He stops himself as if saying it would make it happen. He looks hurt, he cares but not only in a commander kind of way, she realizes.   
" I won't allow the events at Haven to occur once again. You have my word. " She doesn't want him to promise her this kind of thing, she doesn't care if its his duty, she doesn't want to lose him. She bites her lips and anxiously scratches the back of her hand. I don't want to lose you, she wants to tell him. But it feels like the words could burn her mouth if she dared saying them. So she just nods and leaves, like a coward.

Weeks go by and the Hawke siblings still aren't there. Nemaya has the time to leave Skyhold to close rifts. Everyone gets accustomed to their new rôles, and the reconstructions are going smoothly. 

One day, though, when Nemaya has finally a bit of time for herself, a scout comes running to her, breathless. She roses from her seat, puts her book away. At first, she thinks there is an issue. Red templars, or Corypheus even. But none of that. 

" Inquisitor ! The Champions, they are here ! "


End file.
